An Exclusive Interview With the Scientist Who Developed Russia’s Covid-19 Vaccine
My source in Russia, Ivan, was lucky enough to find Dr. R (what we’ll call him for anonymity purposes) at a bar in Moscow shortly after Russia announced that it would begin distributing its vaccine. Here’s what Dr. R had to say, translated to English:
Ivan: Doctor, this must be a tremendous day for you and your team. Can you describe what you’re feeling?
Dr. R: I am feeling loooooose and freeeee, comrade. Having a great time!
Ivan: Judging by your breath, smell, and general demeanor, it seems like you’ve been drinking. For the sake of transparency in the interview, is that the case?
Dr. R: Okay fine, you caught me. I’ve had (*counting with his hands*) 3 and a half liters of vodka — one for each month we spent working on the vaccine.
Ivan: 3.5? Haven’t you been working on this for more than 6 months?
Dr. R: *shushing gesture* (whispering) Don’t tell anyone — we didn’t get much done those first couple months. (giggling)
Ivan: Oh, that doesn’t really seem like enough time to properly develop and test this vaccine before release. Are you concerned at all about what side effects people who take the vaccine may experience?
Dr. R: Listen, we gave the vaccine to 250 people, and the 234 of them we heard back from a few weeks later all say they felt fine. *eye close* *eye close* (translation error, I believe he meant he double winked)
Ivan: Did you confirm that those other sixteen people are okay?
Dr. R: (gasps) Did you realize that “sixteen” rhymes with “vaccine” in English?
Ivan: I can’t say I put much thought into it.
Dr. R: That was our go-to line at the lab!
Ivan: What was?
Dr. R: “I can’t say I put much thought into it”
Ivan: …Doctor, what do you say to the medical experts in the United States and around the world who have concerns about the safety of this vaccine?
Dr. R: Oh, you mean like Dr. Fauci?
Ivan: Yes, exactly.
Dr. R: I’d say, “Hey, Dr. Fauci, has anybody ever told you you look like Timone from The Lion King?”
Ivan: You’re right — he sorta does. That’s actually a good observation…wait, okay, so back to the vaccine — have you spoken to President Putin about the completion of the project?
Dr. R: Of course! Vladdy and I have been talking quite a bit the last few months!
Ivan: Has he been heavily involved in the development process?
Dr. R: Oh no, he’s got a very (*finger quotes*) “hands off” style of leadership. (chuckling)
Ivan: I sense some sarcasm there.
Dr. R: (Non-descript mumbling) *nods head and laughs*
Ivan: What are you most relieved about now that this project is done?
Dr. R: Well it will be really nice to not have those two big guys following me around everywhere anymore. They were pretty nosy.
Ivan: Who were the two guys?
Dr. R: Well, I never got their names. Actually, they never spoke at all. They’ve just been following me around and parking outside my house every day since the vaccine development started. *Leans in* Ivan, can I tell you something?
Ivan: *Leans in* Of course.
Dr. R: I think they might have a crush on me or something (laughing)
Ivan: (sighs) Okay, doctor, this isn’t much help right now. Before we go, one last question: have you taken the vaccine yourself?
Dr. R: What? No way! I’m not crazy!
Ivan: What do you mean? Is it not safe?
*The doors to the bar bust open. Two large men head straight towards Dr. R*
Dr. R: Look, Ivan! Those are the two guys! Hiii, guys!
*The two men pick Dr. R up and drag him out of the bar*
Ivan: Excuse me, who are you guys?
*The two men continue walking out. Dr. R blows kisses to Ivan as he’s dragged away*
Dr. R: (to the two men) Hey, you know who you guys kind of look like? Pumbaa from The Lion King!
Ivan has made several attempts to follow up with Dr. R since the interview but has not been able to get in contact with him.
