There has been no shortage of content in the last year related to people making fun of corporate jargon. For whatever reason, working from home made us all aware of how ridiculous phrases like “circle back”, “touch base”, and “loop me in” truly are — and just how frequently they’re used in Corporate America.
As we head back to offices over the next few months, there’s going to be a resurgence of in-office phrases that we haven’t heard for a year. …
*Catchy intro music that gives everyone time to rush to the dance floor *
You can kiss, hugs are fine
Hang in groups larger than 9 (ooooh)
See that girl, she’s all clean
She is the Vaccine Queen
CVS site was loading slow
Looking out for a date to go
To get a dose of Moderna
At the pharmacy
Sign up for Monday at 3
Showed up early and got in line
You’re up next and the nurse says “Hiiii”
She asks a couple quick questions, you roll up your sleeve
She says “you ready or not?”
And once you…
My longtime girlfriend is going to her first bachelorette party this weekend, and based on what I’ve seen in films, I’m quite nervous. Even though she’s just a bridesmaid, I’m afraid of what shenanigans she and the girls might get into, and most of all — I’m afraid she’s going to forget about me…
I hope that when she sees the BACH THAT ASS UP balloons in their cabin…
She thinks about my love for word play, puns, and funny license plates.
I hope that when the girls head to the spa and she sees the fountain in the lobby…
Hello, there! This is the team from Governor Andrew Cuomo’s office writing to you today. It’s been a rough year for New York City, so to encourage some people to return back to our lovely city, the governor asked us to compile a list of some of the best and most charming thing about The Big Apple. He definitely did not ask us to lie about any of these things, and we can say with 100% certainty that these things are factual, and that he’s not giving us a massage and looking over our shoulders as we type this.
“We should wear protection”
“You should get tested”
“You’ve been with how many people?”
“You should wash your hands after going in there”
“I promise it’s 6 — I’ve measured”
“Sorry, I was just excited. It’s been a few months”
“I miss eating out”
“I’d feel a lot better about it if you hadn’t just been to Florida”
“Any kind of job would be great right now. I’m not picky”
“You’ve got to do your part to make it go down”
“What if we tried doing it without our faces being so close?”
“I don’t think your grandparents should be…
My source in Russia, Ivan, was lucky enough to find Dr. R (what we’ll call him for anonymity purposes) at a bar in Moscow shortly after Russia announced that it would begin distributing its vaccine. Here’s what Dr. R had to say, translated to English:
Ivan: Doctor, this must be a tremendous day for you and your team. Can you describe what you’re feeling?
Dr. R: I am feeling loooooose and freeeee, comrade. Having a great time!
Ivan: Judging by your breath, smell, and general demeanor, it seems like you’ve been drinking. …
Oh, brother. Another “public health warning” from the damned CDC. When will those nerds give it a rest? This time they’re trying to recall red onions because of some “salmonella outbreak” that apparently people are getting sick from — I’m not buying it.
What I am buying is more red onions. I didn’t get where I am today by listening to scientists and reading “medical journals”. I know at least 4 people who have eaten red onions in the last week and didn’t die — there’s no way this outbreak is actually a big deal. …
July 31st marked a dark day for many across the US, including myself, as the extra $600 a week in federal support for unemployment expired. Apparently Senators like Mitch McConnell think that the extra $600 is making Americans want to be unemployed during this pandemic, and let me tell you — he’s right. Instead of spending the stipends on bills, food, and essential needs to stay afloat, I’ve been using my $600 to be a big-time baller, and I’m now forced to cut back. Here’s what I’ll miss most:
Fresh truffles on my nightly filet mignon.
Buying a new pair…
Hello there! Betsy DeVos here, known lover of both children and higher learning. As Secretary of Education, nearly all of my time in recent weeks has been focused on one issue: getting Donald Trump reelected. However, in the little time I have found outside of that, I have put all my attention towards figuring out if we should open up schools this fall as we battle the Covid-19 pandemic. …
Times have certainly been changing in my life. Like several million others, I lost my job as a result of Covid-19-related cuts, and find myself looking for work. On top of that, my lease ended on July 1st, so my girlfriend and I decided to get a 1-bedroom apartment together and save some money.
Luckily for us, she is still gainfully employed and just working from home for the time being. Luckily for her, she happens to have moved in with the best unemployed stay-at-home boyfriend in the country. After one week I’m pretty certain I’ve got this down pat…
6th Grade Spelling Bee Champ