25 Things I’m Going to Miss About Old People

source: The Irish Times

Well, as I watched the news this week it became pretty clear that instead of waiting for a safe solution that healthily integrates everyone back into society, we’re just going to open up and kill all the old people instead. I guess this is our only option! So, to honor our at-risk population that we apparently don’t care about anymore, I wrote down a list of things (both good and bad) that I’ll miss about old people:

1. How you call me “The IT Department” because I know how to do VLookUps.
2. Your unflappable confidence in your bodies in the locker room, no matter how flappy they get.
3. Your understanding of the Postal system and how you know exactly how long it will take for a letter to get somewhere.
4. The fact that you like baseball.
5. How rude you are to waiters and waitresses when a minor detail of your order is incorrect even though it was clearly the kitchen’s fault.
6. How you assume that everyone who is faster than you is fast.
7. The way you integrate not-exactly-racist but definitely antiquated terminology into your stories.
8. The unflattering pictures of your grandchildren from seven years ago that are still on your fridge.
9. Your passion for gender roles.
10. Your general confusion with gender pronouns.
11. Suspenders.
12. How I can always tell what war you fought in by your hat.
13. Your stoic response to an-ill timed fart slipping out.
14. When you pay for something that’s $5.77 with a $100 bill and then go on a tangent about how you can’t trust debit cards.
15. Your DVD collections that are required by law to include Miracle and a late sequel of Air Bud that is still in the plastic wrap.
16. Your insistence on calling him Cassius Clay even though you’re well aware he changed his name.
17. Your strangely successful presidential campaigns.
18. Your friends named Ruth.
19. The way you think I’ve grown 3 inches since the last time I saw you every time I see you.
20. The way you talk about how root beer was a cultural staple back in the day and not just a drink.
21. The unique - and almost surgical - angle up your nose I get to see when we FaceTime.
22. Hearing what year you were born and deciding if I should ask about the Great Depression or World War II.
23. “Well that’s just how it was back then”.
24. The napkins in your glove box from a regional fast food chain that you haven’t been to in 17 years.
25. When you drive me around to places you grew up and you point to a shed and start to say something and then don’t say anything and I’m left to assume that you lost your virginity there.

Thanks for all you’ve done guys, you had a great run!